Sermons

A Crucial Conversation

by Harold Hancock

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Scripture: Mt 18:15-17 Apr 14, 2024

Jesus instructs in Matthew 18 how to go about restoring a fellow believer who has sinned against you, first going to them privately, then taking witnesses, then telling the church if they refuse to repent. Harold emphasizes this is a difficult but crucial conversation aimed at saving the person's soul, not just airing grievances. He cautions against misapplying this passage to every sin situation, as the Bible gives other instructions for handling public sins or divisive individuals.

Transcript

If you have your Bibles, I invite you to be turning to the book of Matthew in the 18th chapter. Matthew 18. That'll be our lesson text in a minute, a few verses out of it. And really the whole focus of our lesson this morning. So, I would encourage you if you would turn to the book of Matthew in the 18th chapter.

While you're turning in your Bibles, let me join with Tom, with David, in expressing our appreciation for the presence of each of you. If you're visiting with us, we appreciate the fact that you have come to be with us. We trust that you will find the services uplifting and all things done according to God's Word.

And if you see something that you question, you will not offend us if you ask us about that and give us opportunity to explain it or to think about what you've said. And we thank those that are joining with us online as well.

I've been listening to a book as of recent, and the name of it is called Crucial Conversations, and I happen to be in the third edition. And I don't think that I can think of a title for the lesson this morning better than A Crucial Conversation. If you have your Bibles open into the book of Matthew in the 18th chapter, listen and follow along if you would while we read verses 15, 16, and 17.

It's Jesus speaking, and he says, Moreover, if your brother sins against you, tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you've gained your brother. But if he will not hear, Take with you one or two more, that by the mouth of two or three witnesses, every word may be established. And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church.

But if he refuses to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. I mentioned this book, Crucial Conversations. It begins by telling us what it considers to be a crucial conversation. It suggests that it's a conversation where people have different views. In our text, you have one person who feels that they've been sinned against.

One who doesn't admit that guilt. Maybe he doesn't realize it or just doesn't think that it's been sinned. But obviously, different types of thinking. A second thing that he says is that it's a conversation with high stakes. Our passage is talking about sin that has been committed, and there's an effort to get somebody to repent of that sin, but speaks of the possibility that that person will not repent of that sin.

When you're talking about sin, you're talking about things that have an effect upon our eternal destiny. Thank you. I want to tell you that's high stakes. And the third thing he tells us is that a crucial conversation is a conversation where emotions can run high. And when you think about confronting somebody about sin, or somebody confronting you about a sin, there's a tendency to stir our emotions.

And so it seems to me like this conversation of going with somebody and talking to them about their sins is really important. would be a crucial conversation. I want to suggest to you that our lesson is just going to be mainly just reading that text and exegeting, looking at what it means on this occasion.

And then at the end, just a couple of quick points and. Making some observations about it, and then maybe an application or two as well. So go back if you would in your text, and let's just go back through that text, and just look at some of the things that we're told in that reading. Again, it starts in verse 15, and the writer says, or records Jesus as saying, Moreover, in other words, I've been talking to you, but I've got some more things to say to you too.

And it's not a totally different subject, but it's a little different, carrying us a little further in, in thought than what he has done already. And then the second thing he says, if your brother sins against you, I want you to think about the word brother. There's lots of ways that we use the word brother.

You can talk about a sibling that's male, and you'd refer to that person as a brother. You can think about the Jews and how that they were a group of people and they called each other a brother or looked at themselves as lineage and would refer to another one perhaps as a brother. We have even associations with people that we talk about brother.

And we're quite often Allude to the fact that we are brothers and sisters in Christ, and I think because later on that the Jesus would talk about tell it to the church That that's probably the sense that he's talking about now now the church is not Established at the time that Jesus is telling this but he's already announced that he's going to build his church And so he's given some information about when that church is built You And how we conduct ourselves as we live as a part of that church.

And he acknowledges, I think, the fact that the relationship that we have with one another would be as a brother, a sister. And so he says, moreover, if your brother, somebody that is a brother, Part of the church, somebody that should be have a common bond that you have. He says, if that person sins against you.

This word, sin, is the word that is commonly used to describe sin. It is the word, for instance, that's used in the book of Romans, in the third chapter, when Paul's trying to make the point that we've all sinned and come short of the glory God. It's that word, sin. It is the same word that Peter will use just a few verses down in Matthew the 18th chapter in verse 21 when he says, How often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?

Or some version would say, How often shall he trespass against me? But there again, you see this word is used just describing somebody that commits an offense against us. Not just an offense, but But because it's called sin, it's also a violation of God's law. It is the passage that's used in Romans 5 and verse 12 when Paul is talking about Adam's sin brought sin into the world.

So that eating of that unauthorized fruit, that was a sin. It's not the only sin, but it is a violation of God's law and word. And so it was considered to be a sin. And it's a word that you'll occasionally find just defined as fault. For instance, in 1 Peter 2, in verse 20, in the New King James, that word is defined, or, or called fault there.

And it is, as we mentioned earlier in Matthew the 18th chapter, sometimes called a trespass. So it can be translated different ways. But we're talking about sin. We're talking about somebody that is committing a violation of God's law. But he's particularly in this thing to say, or in this passage to say that this brother commits a sin against you.

It's a personal matter. It's a violation of God's law. But he has violated a law of God and it has particular meaning to you. He has wronged you in some way and broken a law that involves you. And so he tells us if that's the case, if somebody has sinned and they have committed an act against you, He says go and between you says go tell him his fault between you and him alone.

I want to look at that word tell for a moment also. This phrase, tell him his fault, and that fault again is just referring back to the idea of that sin. But the whole phrase, tell him his fault, is really just one Greek word. And it's a word that Strong suggests is best defined by the word confute. And if you look up the word confute, then it means to prove a person or assertion wrong.

And so, when he says you go tell, he doesn't mean you just go talk to him calmly about it or, or just somehow disguise it. He wants you to convict him. It is sometimes the, the, translated reprove. For instance, 2 Peter 4, verse 2 preach the word, reprove, rebuke, exhort. That word reprove is the same word tell him.

Or, in James, the second chapter, in verse 9, He talks about that you're convinced by the law. You've done something wrong, and you are convinced by the law. That's the idea of this word. It is, it is a conviction. In fact, in the book of John, in the eighth chapter, when Jesus is dealing with the woman that has been taken in adultery, you remember he sat and wrote on the ground, and And he was saying, you without sin cast the first stone.

And it says that the people were, talking about the Pharisees, they were convicted. And so this word tell carries with it the idea that you don't just talk about it, you're seeking to prove that this thing is done. And I want you just to remember right now that this is started out in the text as being stated as a sin.

Amen. This is not an act that we're not even sure about. I need to sit down and discuss whether or not this is sin. One might need to know whether or not it's sin. But the scriptures start out by affirming that a sin has been committed. And now he says, as this sin has been committed, I should go to that person, me and him alone, he says, and I should tell him and he means by that I need to convict him, I need to convict him, I need to prove to him and show him clearly that what he has done is a sin against me.

And as we said, he says it starts out with just you and him, it's just you and the sinner, he says. You go to him and talk with him. Now,

you're gonna talk to that person so that the matter is plain and clear to him. And so that he is, should be convicted, if he will admit to it, that he is convinced and convicted that he has sinned against you. But I want to make one point that is not specified in the text. It's specified that he has sinned against you.

Okay? But what is not specified is the motive. And you don't know why that person has sinned against you. You don't know whether he did it out of ignorance. You don't know whether he was doing it maliciously. The motive is not told to us. And we perhaps need to remember that when we go to that person to tell him his fault, that he may not even be aware of the fact that he has sinned against us.

This book, crucial. Conversations that I meant they define this attitude kind of as go tell your story. And what they're trying to get you to do is say, okay, stick with the facts. You know, this happened and this happened, this happened. But don't jump to conclusions and begin to make a judgment about motive or attitude unless there's something that clearly demonstrates that or, or that motive has been stated by this person.

And I would suggest to you that that might be good advice to us when we go and talk to somebody about sins that they have committed against us. We need to approach that, them with love, with meekness, with kindness, with humility. And while the text doesn't specify these things in particular, other passages would tell us that that always has to be our attitude.

That I always need to have love. Meekness is a word that kind of suggests that you are whatever it takes at the moment. Maybe if it allows you to be kind and gentle, then do so. If it demands a little more umph into the exhortations, then that will be gone. But it will always be done also with kindness and humility and and trying to serve the best interests of that other person rather than just get our.

We need to understand that in this exhortation that the Lord's not trying to tell us just get even or try to make that person suffer as much as, as I've suffered or whoever it is that is going to that person, but it's to save that person's soul. In fact, if you were to look back just a little bit in text, you would see that beginning in about verse 12, that Jesus says, What do you think?

If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them goes astray, does he not leave the ninety nine and go to the mountain to seek the one that is straying? And if he should find it, assuredly I say to you he rejoices more over that sheep than the other ninety nine that did not go astray. Even so, is it not the will of the Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should be or should not perish?

He doesn't want one to perish. And so he wants us to save that person's soul. And so we ought to be trying to save that person's soul when we go to them and tell them or try to convince them of their fault. You will see lessons like this oftentimes Under the title, Path of Reconciliation. And they'll list about four steps that you take.

And, and this is step one. Where you go and talk to that person. Just you and him. That's step one in this process of reconciliation. It's the process where we have this, or have a crucial conversation with that person. But then secondly, look if, further, if you would, in verse 16, or, or the latter part of verse 15, he says, If he hears you, you've gained your brother.

If he will listen to you, if he understands, yes, I sinned against you, and he's repented of that sin, then you've gained a brother, he says. And that's what God is wanting. That's what we should want. A soul to be saved. It goes further, he says, but if he will not hear, he listens to you, he hears your, your remarks about why you think he sinned against you, and enough evidence to show that he sinned against you, really, but he won't hear you, he says.

Then he says, take with you two more, or take with you one or two more. That by the mouth of two or three witnesses, every word may be established. This is going to be step two. Step one, you go by yourself. But then he says step two is, you take somebody, take either one or two more with you that can serve as witnesses.

I have tried to look deeper into the word wisdom, or witness, than, than really have, or been able to ascertain. And I would remind you that the sin is certain. We've, we've established that. The text starts out by just saying the sin is, has been established. But this man now is not going to, to hear it.

And so you take somebody, take one or two with you, he says. And the idea is that they're witnesses, not necessarily to the sin, that says they're witnesses to all the words. I would remind you that you are supposed to be able to to this person, tell him in such a way that he understands that it's sinful.

And now you're going to talk to this man in the presence of either one or more witnesses, and the, they're going to be witnesses to the Word, it says. Doesn't say they're witnesses to the deeds, it says they're witnesses to the Word. But if you're able to show for sure that the sin is convicted, or convinced that, then they can witness to that.

This is the same word that was, was talking about that's used over and over about witnesses. It's the word that's talked about the apostles being witnesses to our Lord's resurrection and so forth. So it just means they have the ability to see. And so they themselves will be able to hear the proof that you talk about.

They will be able to understand that, yes, he's guilty of sin. And they will perhaps even be able to admonish that person and say, Listen, this is reasonable. What he has said is right. And you have sinned against him. And hopefully upon their exhortation and, and your Maybe rehearsing again the second time that he has violated your rights and, and God's law against you somehow.

Maybe he'll receive it. And if he does, then again, you've gained a brother. But he states again in this, he says, That he might not hear them. He says and if he refuses to hear them step three tell it to the church again We make mention of the fact that the word church Has been mentioned by jesus in matthew the 16th chapter in verse 18 upon my rock this rock I will build my church, but that hasn't taken place yet.

And in matthew 16 the 18th verse He's talking about what we would talk about as the church universal would have saved all over This would seemingly be talking about the church in a local sense. Because this is where things are carried out in a local sense most of the time. And the elders and others that are leading the church.

And so it seemed like he's saying here's step three. If you've gone to him and he won't hear you, and you care one or two more, And they witnessed the conversation, and, and they can see that you're right in what it's done, and, and even maybe exhort him and affirm to him, Yes, this is right thinking, you need to, to repent, if they won't do, or if he won't do that.

If he neglected, he said, then you tell it to the church. Somehow that local congregation is going to be made known of this man's sin against you. And again, you're hoping that, that that will cause him to realize that he's not in a good position with the Lord and with the local church. And hopefully he will turn from his sin and repent of it.

But again, the possibility is mentioned that he might not do that. And again, he talks about the fact that if he neglects to hear the church, or he refuses even to hear the church, then the step four, he says, let him become like a heathen and a taxman. It would seem that that is kind of a figurative language, and what he's saying is the same thing that Paul was talking about in 1 Corinthians, the fifth chapter in verse 13, when the man was taken in fornication with his father's wife, and they were told to put him away.

That seems to be this putting away. You remember that they were not to eat with him. They wouldn't have that close association that might normally have. It would be parallel to what you read in the book of 2 Thessalonians in the 3rd chapter in verse 14 when some wouldn't work and thus wouldn't conform to what God's law was and Paul told them you keep no company with them.

So that's what this let them become a heathen and a republican. It is the idea again that That you're going to discipline them. You're going to deliver them to Satan, as 1 Corinthians 5 says. That is, make him realize, or hopefully realize, that that's who's present he's in. But you're still trying to seek his soul.

And to save his soul. That's the reason you went to him to begin with. That's the reason you carried the one or two witnesses. That's the reason you tell it to the church. And that's the reason that you allow him to become as a heathen and a publican or a tax collector to you. Even in the cases we mentioned, 1 Corinthians 5, when Paul is talking about the man that has committed fornication.

And he tells them to put him away. In that context, he tells them that you do that, deliver him to Satan, that the flesh may be destroyed and the spirit saved. Even when you withdraw from someone.

It's trying to make them realize they're in the presence of Satan, not in the presence of the Lord, and to cause them to desire to get back with the Lord. Again, in 2 Thessalonians, the 3rd chapter, verse 10 was when he was talking about keep no company, or 14, keep no company, but he goes on in that verse, saying, keep no company, that they might be ashamed.

That's the reason you do this at this time, hoping that this person that has committed this act will become ashamed and hopefully that he will return eventually from it. So that's the text as it stands. Now let me just share a couple of thoughts to you. I want to suggest to you that this is apparently a hard commandment.

You know, the Lord spoke some things that are considered by people hard sayings. You remember in John 6 that he talked about being the bread of life, and some of those people said, This is a hard saying. This, I think, is a hard saying. When you tell somebody, you need to go and confront somebody else about a sin that they have committed.

This book I was telling you about, Crucial Conversations, illustrates sometimes how reluctant people are to in, to involve themselves in what's called a crucial conversation. They're not dealing with religious areas, but they point out that even among nurses, that very few of them, even watching doctors, perhaps not take all of precautions that they should, that they won't hardly ever speak out and, and say, Hey, you're, you're not following procedures or something.

I don't know that it's in that book. I thought it was. I not only paid to get the book that I can listen, but to find the quote I went back and bought Kindle, and I couldn't find the quote I wanted. But either this one or the one I listened to before talked about that, how reluctant some was in talking about another's fault, and talked about a doctor that had some dementia, but nobody would approach him until he got there and started to administer the wrong medicine.

And finally a nurse spoke up and, and got him away from there in order to save the patient. But I want you to know this is a dire situation that we're talking about. That we're not just talking about somebody's physical life. That we're talking about somebody's spiritual eternity. And that if they don't repent and change, they can lose their eternal life.

It's time that we make ourselves speak up to some of this. And yet, oftentimes the attitude is, well, I'll just suffer the wrong and be quiet about it. I'd rather suffer the wrong than have to confront the person. And maybe that speaks some good qualities about you, that you're willing to suffer wrong, but it doesn't help the other person.

And God is trying to save another soul's soul. He wants that person to come to repentance. And if you just keep quiet about it, then You're not doing what God says do. He doesn't say in this passage, let me tell you what to do about this situation. One, you can go talk to the person, or two, you could just suffer the wrong yourself and never say anything about him.

He does not give us that choice in the script, in instructions here. He says if you see him sin, and, or he sinned against you, rather, go and tell him his fault. And it begins with you and that person, he says. One of the things that I've, I've noted is that we're, We're very reluctant sometimes to go and talk to somebody who's sinned against us.

Sometimes, like I said, it's just a matter, I'd rather suffer the wrong and, and rather than confront that person.

But you know what happens oftentimes when we decide not to talk with that person about it? And crucial comments would, or conversations would point out the same thing. They call this time between the event and you going to talk with them, the time. Well, I forgot what they call it, but that period of time, they point out, that is a time often when people, tag time is what it is, they, they talk about, that's often times when resentment builds. Okay, I'm going to just suffer it. But you have bitter thoughts against that person. Or the other thing is, we don't go tell him or her that they've sinned against us, but we begin to go tell everybody else that they've sinned.

And that's not what He tells us to do. We need to go and talk to Him about it, He says.

Keep in mind, again, that Jesus is warning souls to be saved. A second thing I want to point out is that not only is it a hard saying, and I judge that just by experience. How many times somebody comes to Me or somebody else and say, this person's done this against me, and I just don't think I can talk to him.

Can you go talk to him about it? That's not the process. It's you go talk to him. But the second thing I want to suggest to you is that this passage is sometimes abused and misused. If you look at the passage, it's very precise in the situation that it describes, and it's very precise in the instructions that it gives.

These four steps that we've talked about, you go to Him and you alone, and then you carry somebody with you. Then you tell it to the church and then the church disciplines the person if necessary. That's, that's the situation. It's me and somebody that has sinned against me. Doesn't cover, this doesn't cover any other situation on this, in this time.

This is a very precise thing. And my point is, you cannot take this passage and begin to apply it unto every sin. There's some sins that this is not covering. The process that goes on. Look over, if you would, to the book of 1 Timothy in the 5th chapter.

And notice, if you would, verse 20. 1 Timothy 5 and verse 20. It says, Those who are sinning rebuke in the presence of all that the rest also may fear. Now, just before that, he's talking about elders, but he doesn't necessarily say that that passage is talking about elders. The one before, he talks about elders that are that sin and you rebuke them in the presence of all, he says or you receive an accusation at the, by two or three witnesses with the elders.

But look over to the book of Galatians and, and you can see that it, it may not just be elders that he's talking about that, that takes another process. Galatians 2 and verse 11, Paul talks about a time that he was with Peter and some others. He says, now when Peter had come. I was stood him to the face because he was to be blamed.

For before certain men came from James, he would eat with the Gentiles. Peter was a Jew, and he had learned that there is no distinction between Jew and Gentile. And before people came from James, he was willing to eat with the Gentiles. But now some have come from James, and they're Jews more likely. And now he, he wouldn't.

He said he would eat with the Gentiles, but when they came, he withdrew and separated himself, fearing that they were of the circumcision. And the rest of the Jews also played the hypocrite with him, so that even Barnabas was carried away with this hypocrisy. But when I saw that they were not straightforward about the truth of the gospel, I said to Peter before them all, did you hear that?

He didn't on this occasion take Peter aside and say, Peter you've sinned and I need to talk to you about the sin. This was something that was done in public and it brought a public rebuke. It wouldn't be good to reach back to Matthew 18 and say, well, you first of all need to go talk to that person and then you need to get two or three witnesses.

No, he said, It was done before all, and so I rebuked him before all. And then you have the passage in the book of Titus in the third chapter, if you look over to Titus 3.

And look at verse 10, Titus 3 and verse 10. Reject a divisive man after the first and second admonition. How many steps? Two, maybe three, if you reject him after the first and second, if you count the rejection of the third. How many steps do we have in Matthew 18? We counted four. And the point is that they're not the same.

That here's a man that's not committing an act against me personally, that demands that I go to him personal, but here's a man that's causing division, and so he says, after the first and second admonition, you reject him. And so, the point being that, that Matthew 18 is not a, for every type of sin and every sin done.

Let me give you an illustration that maybe will help us. Suppose you're a teacher and maybe you're in first grade, I'm not sure exactly where you would be teaching this, but you get somebody to go up to the board and you've got a problem up there, 2 plus 2 and you've got the line and you want the answer.

Suppose somebody puts 5 up there. You go back to his desk and say, Hey, Johnny, you've got the wrong answer up there. Never correct the answer up there. Now, if you're just doing work at the desk, and this person says 2 plus 2 is 5, the teacher may walk by and just say, Hey, that's not the right answer. It's 4.

And get it right. And that's good. But if you leave that 2 plus 2 equals 5 on the board, you're going to have all other people going astray. That's got to be corrected, made public on that occasion. And so Matthew 18 would not apply to something that's public like that. And thus you have the other passages that we've talked about.

And so again, the point being that that's not an all inclusive, it's a very precise passage that we need to pay attention to, but not the one that gardens or is the guidance for us in every type of sin. I want you to look at one other passage, too. Look over to the book of Matthew and the fifth chapter, if you would.

And I want you to look at verse 23 and 24. Thus far, we've talked about the person that's been sinned against and his Need to go and talk to the other person But there's more responsibilities than just that Matthew 5 and verse 23 Jesus says therefore if you bring your gift to the altar and their remembrance that your brother has something against you Leave your gift there before the altar and go your way First be reconciled to your brother and then come and offer your gift So he says before we can really worship You We need to have things fixed.

And if I know that some brother has something against me, it doesn't matter whether I think it's right or wrong. He says, if I know that the brother has something against me, then I need to go and reconcile myself with that brother. God wants us to be in unity. He wants us to have peace. And the way we do that, though, and the peace that He wants, is based upon His Word.

And so we go and we correct those things and ideally we meet in the middle. Him coming to say, Hey, I'm sorry you've got something against me. Let me see what it is. And me going to tell him, Hey, you've sinned against me. We meet in the middle in that way. So it's not a, just a one way street. So I hope that just this helps.

I, I, I just think that people need to understand Matthew 18. And understand what it's used for and how it's used. But let me close just by reminding you that the whole point of this is that souls can be saved. And we can go back and again look at Matthew 18. And he talks about if that one sheep is lost, he wants to save that sheep.

That's how much God wants us to be saved. He's interested in each and every sheep. And that's why He demands of us, not gives us the choice, but demands of us that if somebody has sinned against us, knowing that their sin can cause them to be lost, I need to go deal with that, and deal with it in the manner He says.

If somebody sins publicly, then that needs to be dealt with too. You're trying to save souls. And so let me just end by telling you that God loves you. And God wants your soul saved. And if you're here this evening, or this morning, and you're not saved, take this as an opportunity to let God save you. Just come, confessing Jesus as Lord and Savior, repenting of your sins, being buried with Him in Baptism, He'll wash away every one of your sins, and you'll stand before Him holy and saved.

And will continue to be that way, unless you turn your back on Him, or, or, or, Quick walking in the ways that he says or if you've come and repented been baptized But you've gone astray Remember the teachings of first John you can still come to him and confess your faults and be saved because Jesus is your adversary Or your intercessor.

So if you're subject to the invitation, we'd invite you to come as together. We stand and sing

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